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in your eyes, love, it glow so..   
07:51pm 13/03/2005
mood: optimistic
just to update everyone on whats going on with my life...

-the past couple of months have been very tough but thankfully everything is starting to look up.
-i'm moving out of my house on April 15th, and i'm moving into an apartment with one of my best friends Allison. i am so excited, i can't wait.
-i won $100 on KISS 95.1 the other day.
-carowinds opens next weekend...which means i wont be so broke.
-Dave. :)
-school is almost over. i can't wait until it is, because it is driving me crazy.
-i'm sick of the way i look so i've decided to do something about it. i've started working out, and i'm trying to eat healthy.

there is so much more i just cant seem to be able to concentrate. i might update soon.
but for now, i'm off to study then off to bed, before i must wake up once again.


( //show some emotion)

almost had a damn heartattack...   
11:03am 26/10/2004
mood: touched
this update is for Marcus...

yea i definitely woke up 30 min before i had to be in my first class...and i live about 45 minutes away. i was hyperventilating when i saw what time it was, because i'm only allowed one absence in my intro to career mgmt class, and well i already used it the other day, and this would have been my second absence which would mean that i was gonna be withdrawn from the class...and i've worked TOO damn hard in that class to get withdrawn, so i called ben and i asked him what i should do, because i was no where near the school and he said he'll tell mr. johnson what happened. and well i got to school like an hour and a half late, due to fucking traffic. but my teacher told me he was only going to count it as a tardy...and i was all like omg are you sure, are you sure? about to cry and shit. yea, i was only in that class for like 30 minutes, which was great because that class takes forever. so mr. johnson is now officially my favorite teacher. lol i am never waking up late again, i refuse to go through that bullshit again.

well other than my morning drama...
i haven't been up to anything much lately...school's got me tied up...it's a little ridiculous. but the good thing is, is that i'm doing really well in all of my classes.
i'm currently looking for a job, because carowinds is about to close for the season, november 7th is the last day.
i'm always over at allison's apartment hanging out with her and ashley and i'm always meeting new people when i'm with them. it's fun.
i've talked to my dad about me moving closer to school, and he's completely fine with it, so i'm planning on moving into an apartment with ashley, and allison, in april. i think that would be lots of fun. but my mom's not too fond of the idea...oh well, i'm so ready to move out.
allison's birthday is on thursday, and i dont know what to get her...so if you have any suggestions, hit me up.
i can't wait until camille comes home in december...i miss her alot.

well i've gotta get back to work on my english project and sanitation paper. i miss you all.

much love<3

(there you go marcus...i know i was supposed to do it yesterday but its better late than never right? you need to buy a ticket to charlotte, so you can come visit me..alright i'm out I LOVE YOU! :) )

(1 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

..you're absolutely gorgeous..   
11:00pm 20/08/2004
mood: grateful
damn..it's been so long i almost forgot my password.

alot has happened since may, i'll just fill you in on the most important stuff...

-jay<3 he's great. :) (i definitely missed him while he was in DC.)
-me and brittany are inseparable once again (i can't believe we ever stopped hanging out, i missed you.)
-i turned 18! woohoo. (i'm a big girl now.)
-i learned how to bellydance.
-my dad finally came to visit for a month.
-samar got married in june to shadi.
-shadi was in the hospital for 2 weeks.
-i got my license. (the day that everyone has been waiting for.)
-i got a car. my baby. (if you wanna hang out sometime, call me.)
-i finally talked to camille..(4 months is way too long, i missed you.)
-i worked with this great guy named josh this summer, he was one of my favorite people at work. when he left for school in tn it broke my heart, and i miss him alot. i really hope he comes back next year.
-i got my password for the manager's menu on the computer at work, i'm very excited about that.
-i've been spending alot of time with ashley turk and allison and brittany lately, because they're alot of fun and they make me smile :)

i think that's about all that's really happened..

i'm starting school on the 7th of september, i'm way excited about that..
and i'm still checking out prices for airplane tickets for california, because i'm going in november.
i need a job for during the week because i'm about to be broke.

alright i kept it short and sweet.
i'm off to bed


(10 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

"excuse me maam...uhh, what are you doing??"   
09:00pm 31/05/2004
mood: cheerful
oh goodness...the funniest shit just happened...so i'm sitting here in amanda's apartment about to write in here and samar's outside on the porch chilling with her little grill trying to get it to warm up so we can start grilling, and amanda keeps going just forget about it i dont think we're allowed to grill on the porch...just put it out before someone calls the fire dept. as she was saying this for the 5th time we see this truck with its lights flashing and we hear these sirens and we're just like oh shit...and the guy comes up and is like uhh...what are you doing? and samar's like grilling? lol and yea, come to find out, you're not allowed to grill on your porch, you have to be atleast 10 feet away...so the guy carried samar's grill and took it outside...lol i dunno it was some funny stuff, i guess you had to be there...

earlier today me, samar, and amanda were at harris teeter shopping and this guy, i think his name is mike..was there he used to work with us at jayvending, and he was talking to us, and as we were leaving he was like hey menan, what's going on with you and jamal?


i was just like uhh nothing? not that i know of...what are you talking about?? and he was like jamal says he's feelin you...i always thought jamal was messing around when he would tell me he likes me, and when he would tell me that he wasn't kidding about liking me...i dunno, i have a feeling that when i work on friday i'm gonna feel weird around him.

yea so my dad didn't come like he was supposed to...i was very pissed off...but whatever. i didn't expect him to actually make it.

the awards ceremony was pretty fun...graduation was great...but really sad, during the practice everyone was all talking about how they were gonna cry and blahblah...and i was making fun of them...i was like you guys are stupid, why are you gonna cry...and i'm the one that ended up crying..

not this past sunday but the sunday before that genuwine was having a concert at carowinds, and i got to watch some of it...i was way excited b/c when i was younger i used to love him, and he's definitely hot.

yesterday me and samar were running some errands and we went to maha's house and i hung out with her for a while and then we went with maha and her family to her brother's house because he invited us to dinner...they were grilling by the pool, omg there was the hottest guy there...he had the bluest eyes...yea he was definitely hot, and well he's somehow related to maha...so the next time they're having a gathering and she wants us to come, we're gonna be there...

we're about to watch some movies now so i'm gonna end this here...i'll update more later...if my computer ever get's fixed.

( //show some emotion)

01:03am 13/05/2004
mood: creative
prom was on saturday. i had alot of fun, but i'm definitely glad it's over, that's wayyy too much stress for me. i was originally supposed to go with brad but i dont know what happened with that, but it didn't happen, so i was then gonna go with my friend kristin from work but alot of stuff happened with that and i ended up dateless the night before prom. and of course i flipped out because i was so irritated. then the morning of prom i told samar what happened and she told me she would get me a date..she called her friend josh at work that day and asked him if he'ld go with me and he said yea. so my prom date was a guy named josh that i had never met before. i got my make-up done at MAC cosmetics at southpark, and DAMNNNNNN i personally think i looked hot! lol everyone loved my make-up, and kathy put fake eyelashes on me, that is the first time i had ever put on fake eyelashes or even thought of wearing them, at first i was a bit uneasy about the idea, but once they were on...i didn't wanna take them off! they were so hot. i was so hot. well when i got ready and it was time to go, i met up with my friends and we went to dinner. there were like 18 of us, we ate at a restaurant named blue in downtown. it was good, but i ate hardly anything because my dress was too tight and i couldn't breathe. after dinner we went to the adam's mark in downtown where prom was being held. when we got there i saw soooo many people that i haven't seen in like 4 months, i took a couple of pictures, not half as many as i would have liked to tho. my date got to prom late, because he had to work late. since i had never met him i didn't know what he looked like, so i told him i'ld meet him outside, he had brought me a dozen roses, which i thought was way sweet...especially since i dont even know the guy. but he ended up being 20 years old and a really sweet, and cute guy. he made me feel good about myself, and the way i looked that night. i thought it was cute when he called to see what color dress i was wearing so that he could find something to match me..lol i had alot of fun with him, and i'm so glad he came... we hung out a little bit after prom, and then we met up with samar and amanda then we went home because i was dead tired, i could barely keep my eyes open during dinner, so i was definitely dragging during and after prom. overall..prom was great.

i went dress shopping for samar's engagement party today with amanda and we tried on soooo many dresses...i fell in love with like 2 dresses that were at group usa in concord mills...they're definitely hot. i want them so bad, they're the same dresses that i fell in love with when i was looking for a dress for izzat and mona's wedding. samar forced me to try on this one dress that i had been making fun of earlier that day, at special occasions and when i had it on amanda said i could be on like a britney spears music video because it was so short and tight and had like pieces hanging off the dress, but it ended up being cute..or atleast that's what me and amanda thought. me and amanda went over to kristin w.'s house today her and brittany and michael were fishing and we hung out with her for a little bit then we came to my house and continued working on brittany's birthday present eventho her birthday was yesterday the 11th..oh well...she'll just have to get over the fact that her birthday present is gonna be late.

yesterday was brittany silas's birthday...happy birthday brittany. i love you!
today's kristin sutton's birthday...happy birthday kristin. i love you!

tomorrow i have to wake up at like 7:00 so i can get ready to go to school because at school they're having like an awards ceremony thing for everyone that got scholarships to college, and since i got a couple for johnson and wales i have to go. jan jordan, my representative from johnson and wales is going to be there presenting me or whatever. i've never met the lady but i've talked to her on the phone many times. that should be fun. then me and amanda are gonna hang out during the day then at like 6:00 i'm going back to the school for the yearbook party.

friday i have work from 8am to midnight if not 1am...that's gonna be a longgggg day. so tomorrow, i'm going to sleep wayyy early.

my dad's coming in a week. i'm so excited about that. i miss him. i haven't seen him in a year.

well i gotta go get some sleep if i'm expected to wake up at 7...blah.
have a good night!
bye bye :)

(1 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

...cause on a one-to-ten she's a certified twenty...   
12:59am 02/05/2004
mood: flirty
i just got home from work. and i'm tired as fuckkkkk. i know that if i lay down, i'm not gonna be able to get back up.. i worked 10.5 hours yesterday, and 10 hours today. all i feel like doing is going to sleep. i brought scott a cake for his birthday today, eventho his birthday is on tuesday..but later on that day when there were like only 8 people working we busted it out and ate it...it was sooo good. then scott bought us a pizza, that was good too. lol last weekend jamal asked me to go to prom with him. i told him i would have if it wasn't the day before mine. speaking of my prom...i can't wait until prom i'm gonna have soo much fun, i know it.

i was up at the mcdonalds in stallings on thursday, i stopped by there b/c i had just gotten off of work and i was way hungry, and i went through the drive thru and got my order and everything, and i pulled up a little bit to check if i got everything i ordered and the next thing i knew, some guy stuck his head out of the drive thru window and was like "menan hmeidan!" so i turned around and looked and it was tyler. so i parked the car and i went inside and i saw him and i gave him a huge hug and i stood there and talked to him for a little bit, and he asked me what school i'm going to, and i told him johnson and wales and he was like no way! me too. and he's going there for culinary arts. so now i'm excited because i'm gonna know someone there, and it's someone i get along with and like. hopefully he's gonna be in my classes. i got off of work yesterday at like 7 and i went to the mall with my mom, then on the way home i stopped by mcdonalds because my brother wanted me to pick up a kids meal for him. and i get to mcdonalds and there's a longggggg line so i decide i'm not waiting in that line, so i park and i look at the car beside me and there's a kid staring at me, and it turns out to be bobby, so i smile and i get out and start walking to mcdonalds and next thing i know somebody goes "who is that? is that menan? hey girl, how you doin?!" lol it was weird b/c i kept turning around trying to figure out who it was, i guess the guys were in the same car as bobby, but yea it was weird. and then i went in and matt was in there and he saw my reflection through the mirror but i couldnt see him and he goes "menan! come here baby and give me a hug"...and i'm like looking around confused not knowing who's talking to me. and then finally he came up to me and gave me a hug, i was happy to see him, we talked for a little bit and then he left. and tyler came in from behind me and he was like "menan, hey baby how you doing?" he said something about neat being outside, so i'm guessing that the person that was yelling at me was neat, and when i think about it, it did sound like him. but i definitely was having problems that night, i couldn't find anyone that was talking to me, they were all like hiding. lol i dunno what to tell you..they all want me because i'm so fuckin hot...lol well everyone that was in my english class this year heard what tyler said that one day haha it's was embarrassing but pretty damn funny...ahh good times.

i went up to the school the other day and i picked up my cap and gown for graduation...while i was at school i saw tori and sam-antha! i was so happy to see sam, i almost started crying, i miss her soo much. but while i was at school i remembered why i hated that school so damn much, they have alot of bullshit rules.

well i'm really tired, so i think i'm gonna end this here, and i'm gonna get going.


( //show some emotion)

and i dont think that you know what you've been missing...   
10:52am 21/04/2004
mood: pleased
i'm so excited, i was planning on spending $60 on white shoes for graduation..but yesterday i was at the mall buying my mom a birthday present and i randomly walked into gadzooks just to check if they had white shoes or not, i didn't think they would, but they did. and they were so hot and only $30!! i was way excited. and the white pants that i found at express aren't on sale yet, but hopefully louis will be able to get them for me, and i'll just pay him next time i see him. me and amanda are going to the friday prayers on friday (of course.) and then i need to go to wachovia so i can make a checking account, and then i need to go to the mall..i need to buy my mom a mother's day present, my brother a birthday present, brittany and kristin sutton a birthday present. damnnnnn i'm gonna be soo broke!

i had to work on saturday, and it felt just like last year, there were only 2 new kids working...other than that they were all old jayvendors. it was great. the only people missing were nicole and kristin. i worked with turk! i missed her..she's great. scott said that nicole's gonna be working this weekend, which i'm excited about. i'm only working saturday, i really hope kristin's working that day too. that would be lots of fun..

i need to go to the gym.. soon. very soon.

yesterday me and amanda had to go pick up refaat from his new job, when we got there he wasn't off yet, so we waited outside for him. after 10 minutes he walked out with this guy..well amanda said that refaat worked with 2 other arab guys. one of them is ahmed, and i'm guessing that he was the second guy. well he was way hot, and amanda thought so too. she said she was gonna ask refaat about him. she's trying to find me a husband lol so that her and refaat, samar and shadi and me and my husband can all move out to california. and then we're all moving to dubai. we've already planned out our lives, lol. it seems like everyone is looking for a husband for me, samar is, amanda is, and iman is...and i guess i sort of am too. i dunno...whatever.

the sunset at laguna beach
my head's a carousel of pictures, and the spinning never stops..Collapse )

omg. i'm so bored. i'm out.


(1 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

it's all about the -MONEY-...   
11:25am 16/04/2004
mood: stressed
i'm gonna be so damn late to work...i was supposed to go in at 10 but i wont be in until 11. i already called and told scott and he sounded ok, but i dont want him to get pissed. if scott was to get mad at me i think i'ld cry. nicole's supposed to be working this weekend..me and kristin have yet to give her the presents that we got for her back in september or october of 2003...lol. hopefully we'll remember to give it to her. i think i'm working with turk today, i hope so..i miss her.

the other day i got my cell phone bill...i had a $62 roaming charge! so my bill was $144, i was soo pissed. i just got done paying off a $65 cell phone bill from the month before last. and now i have to pay this $144 bill for last month. and i have to pay $90 for my new contacts. and i still have to buy my outfit for graduation b/c i dont have an all white outfit, and i didn't finish buying all the stuff for prom. and i have to buy like 5 birthday presents this month and graduation presents for all my friends. money is really tight this month. i can't wait until my dad comes and he gives me some money. i think i'm gonna give my mom half of my paycheck so she can pay off some of my cell phone bill, and so i can buy my graduation clothes with the rest...this paycheck is gonna be shit b/c it rained some of the day's i was supposed to work so i got called off b/c the damn park closed. i hope this paycheck is gonna be big enough to get me out of debt with my mom...

yea, my dad was supposed to come like next week...but he ended up having to go to dubai instead for work...i'm still hoping he'll be able to make it to my graduation...we'll see how that goes.

samar just got a new car...her stupid altima broke down, so she went and got a different car...i think she got a 99 honda accord. i personally hate honda's. my mom was saying some bullshit about me and samar having to share a car...and i flipped out on her for that b/c i refuse to share a car with her. it's gonna be so inconvenient we're gonna work at 2 different places and we have 2 completely different schedules. i mean i refuse to get up at fucking 5 in the morning to drive samar to school when my school doesn't start until 10. that's bullshit, and i'm not dealing with it. it's not like she's gonna pay for it, she's gonna buy it and i'm gonna pay her back for it. i dont have a problem doing that. my mom keeps saying that they can't afford getting me a car and paying my school...well she told me that i'm gonna have to be giving her some money every month for school too...we would have had to pay $20,000 a year for the school, but i got scholarships and stuff and now all we have to pay is $12,000 a year...which is still expensive but it's alot cheaper to pay $48,000, than it is to pay $80,000...right??

well i gotta get going.
bye bye

( //show some emotion)

all is full of love, but you're just not recieving...   
01:20pm 30/03/2004
mood: hopeful
so i'm told my dad's coming in 3 weeks...that's a huge surprise. i dont think he's ever come this early, but i'm glad he is. i have no clue how long he's staying, but i have a feeling that he wont be here long enough to go to my graduation...which irritates me alot. but hey what can i do, i'm not keeping my hopes up. our whole plan about going to california april 10th, of course isn't gonna happen b/c well 1-we dont have money right now, and 2-my mom wants us home around that time...this doesn't really bother me much, b/c well the main singer that we wanted to go to see isn't able to do any of the concerts that are in america..and after my dad come's i'll have alot of money so we're planning on going to california early may. i really want to bring iman and her kids back here with me b/c i miss them! well samar's excited/nervous/scared about my dad coming, b/c this is it...while he's here he's gonna meet shadi and he's either gonna give samar and shadi a yes or a no answer. and samar's hoping that it's gonna be a yes and they will be engaged before my dad leaves. my mom has met shadi and his family, and she likes them alot...she refuses to open the envelope that has her tax return check in it b/c she wants to save it so that she can pay for the engagement party with it...my mom's all for this happening, but it's all up to my dad. i personally like shadi alot...he's a great guy and he treats samar well, and his mom is so nice i love her. while my dad's here he's gonna buy me a car, which i'm excited about, i already know what kind of car i want. all i have to do now is convince them that they should buy it for me.

my first day of work was on sunday...it was way slow, but fun. scott's a great manager. being in plantation felt weird at first, but after the first hour it started feeling like last year again. jamal and tim were the only old jayvenders that worked with me, tim came in after i got off tho. but jamal is still the same, he still thinks were gonna get married. i can't wait until i work with kristin and ashley and nicole again, those were good times. when i got off of work i changed my clothes and me and samar went and got in line for the new ride, we still had a couple of hours before we had to be at that lecture. yea we never made it onto the ride, b/c it decided to break when we were like 3 people from the front i was so pissed, b/c we stood in line for like an hour and a half and never made it on. well i dont think we're gonna be able to ride that ride this season b/c the wait for that ride is estimated to be at least 4 hours long...but the ride looks so awesome. after we left we headed off to the lecture, which was being held at a presbyterian church, we had no clue where the church was at, we ended up driving like 15 minutes in the opposite direction, so when we finally figured out where we had to be at we turned around and when we made it we were like 30 minutes late...but we made it. the lecture was given by an israeli jewish rabbi and a palestinian christian minister, they were talking about palestine and how 78% of the israeli's want to end the israeli occupation in palestine. it was a really good lecture. and at the end we went into a room and there was coffee and cookies and everyone sat and talked to each other, and me and samar met everyone that was there and they all told us their stories about how they began getting involved with the palestinian-israeli conflict and how the are with the palestinians...it was great, we got many numbers from people that wanted us to come to other lectures and debates for palestine. it was lots of fun. me and samar were the only muslims there so we definitely stuck out lol. but the people were great.

anyways it's like 2:10 and i haven't eaten anything yet so i'm gonna get off and grab something to eat.


( //show some emotion)

i'm not going back to the assholes that made me a perfect display of random acts of hopelessness...   
01:55pm 22/03/2004
mood: enraged
i'm just gonna make a quick journal entry before i get off...

i have to be at carowinds by 4 today. i have to meet up with scott so i can give him my paperwork, get my ID made, practice making cotton candy, and work on the computer, so he can show me some new stuff on there and so i can brush up on the stuff i learned last year. i was supposed to go in on friday and do all this but we weren't able to meet up that day so..today's the day.

i got a new phone this weekend, i'm so excited. it's so pretty, and small lol. i got one of those flip phones so that it can actually fit in my tiny purses, my old one didn't fit in any of my purses unless they were completely empty which was never. and since i'm clumsy and have a habit of dropping my phone i definitely got insurance on it lol.

i really hope the april 10th/california thing is gonna happen. i dont care if i have to go by myself, i just wanna be able to go. i miss california and my cousin. i'm gonna talk to scott about my plans and see if he can get me on the schedule both all this weekend and all next weekend. and as soon as i finish making this entry i'm checking on prices.

last night my mom and i were spending quality time together, we were watching an arabic movie on one of the arabic channels, and there was some breaking news that interrupted the movie. i was so pissed when we heard what the breaking news was about...Shaikh Ahmad Yasin, Hamas spiritual leader and founder was killed by Israelis during an Israeli helicopter missile attack.

"Israeli helicopter gunships fired missiles at Yasin as he left a mosque after fajir (dawn) prayers, killing the Hamas leader and at least eight other people."

read what happened here..-la illaha illallah-Collapse )

(10 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

i'm back....but not for long...   
03:42pm 18/03/2004
mood: anxious
i'm back in north carolina. i dont wanna be here at all... california was SO GREAT!! i had the best time. my 1st day there my cousin and her husband asked me what i thought about the idea of moving to california and living with them, my response was "hell yea! i'ld love to live here..." so we talked to my mom and my mom didn't seem to thrilled about the idea, she talked to my dad and my dad was a little bothered by the idea of me leaving home right now, so he said that he doesn't want me moving anywhere until i graduate from johnson and wales, and after that if i wanna move to california then that's fine with him...so in 4 years i'm leaving nc and moving to california. when i move out there my cousin iman and i are planning on opening up our own restaurant or cafe or something...i'm so excited i can't wait. while i was there i bonded with iman, we both realized how alike we are...i mean we are exactly alike, we like the same things, we dont like the same things, we think of the same things at the exact same time, we say the same things...i mean exactly alike, and she's so fun to be around...when i was there we went to so many places. some of the places we went were, the Universal Citywalk in LA, Hollywood, San Diego, DisneyLand, Islands of Adventure, Anahiem, Irvine, Laguna Beach, whale and dolphin watching at the Dana Point Harbor/Beach, the Irvine Spectrum, Fashion Island Mall, a bunch of malls...alot of other places...it was so much fun..

me and samar are planning on going to california april 10th to see iman and b/c kazem al-saher, najwah karam, and wadih al-safie are all having a concert in LA, and we wanna go...so hopefully that will happen...and me, samar, my cousins nada, and noor are planning on going to california to stay with iman during thanksgiving break...it's gonna be so much fun!!

i'm so glad i'm gonna move in 4 years b/c i'm sick of being in nc, i'm sick of just about everyone here..fuck north carolina and the bullshit that goes on here.

i miss iman, abed, yousef and ayoub...yousef is so cute! he always made me laugh and he called everyone menan, even his mom and dad...aww i wanna go back! :(

well i gotta go finish cleaning, my grandma wants to come visit me..


( //show some emotion)

08:45am 25/02/2004
mood: anxious
i love you!! and i'm gonna miss you.

(3 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

goodbye NC...hello CA.   
10:59am 23/02/2004
mood: excited
it's been a while since i've updated last. well...ALOT of drama went down like 3 weeks ago..and at one point i couldn't write in here, and well lately i haven't really felt like writing in here.

anyways...most of the drama died down, yet some of it still lives. i'm kind of glad this whole mess happened b/c it made me realize alot, and it kind of pisses me off that it took my going through all of this bullshit to get me to open my eyes to what's been right in front of my face all this time...because of the drama i became really depressed and well this time i didn't lock myself up in my room for a week, it was only for like 2 days lol...well i feel like i need to get away from here, so i can get my mind off alot of things. and this morning my mom called me and asked me if i wanted to go to california. i think getting away from here and going to california is gonna be great, this is definitely gonna help me get my mind off of things. so i'm leaving on thursday and i'm comming back march 16th...i'm really excited b/c i'm flying there and it's been FOREVER since i've been on an airplane...i just hope i dont get any bullshit when i'm trying to get on...

well i think that's all...
to all: stay safe and behave..

to all my friends....i miss you guys!

(2 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

11:05pm 29/01/2004
mood: crushed
my brothers finally went to school today. it's about damn time they did. i really needed a break from them. amanda came over for a bit today, we're going to go work out at the gym on saturday...something i need to really do. hopefully my mom's planning to go to the mall tomorrow, b/c i really need to find eid clothes, if we dont go then i'm just gonna end up going on saturday with amanda.




so i had a dream about you last night. and i found myself crying when i woke up..it was like real crying, not just tears coming out. why was i crying? i dont know...maybe it's because it was only a dream, and not really happening? or maybe it's because as much as i want to be over you, it just doesn't seem to be happening because i'm constantly reminded of you by something or someone.

Dear __you___,

i wish you would just go away...
get out of my head, and out of my heart...
i honestly dont think you understand how much i'm hurting.
and you obviously dont care. because if you did...then i think you would have atleast made more of an attempt to be there for me as that friend that you promised you'ld always be. but you haven't and you're not..and that hurts. but i guess there's nothing i can do about it.

<3(a very confused)me.

i dont know what to do anymore, i'm confused. sorry about blabbing on and on...what i wrote probably doesn't even make sense to you. whatever i dont care. i'm sick of caring.

fuck you.

(3 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

shoes and shoe laces.....haha good times, good times.   
11:35pm 27/01/2004
mood: on the verge of breaking down
i got up really early today. my mom wanted to go visit my grandmother, and i wanted to see her too so i went along. it took atleast 45 minutes just to leave my neighborhood, the roads were so fucking icy, we got stuck many times and we spun out twice...it was shit. but when we finally made it out we were good, the main roads were drivable.. we went to my aunt's house to see my cousin tarek, his flight got canceled twice and he was finally gonna be able to go home today, so we went to say hey and see him. we took him to meet up with his parent's at their gas station, we were there for quite a bit..my mom was helping my aunt fill out some forms for the bank or whatever. once we finally left we went to my grandmother's house, and chilled there for a little bit. i love my grandmother, she's so cute. when we left we stopped by the arabic store to pick up some things, we stopped by cvs on the way home also, i picked up a couple of snacks while there..when we got home, me and samar shoveled the ice off the driveway. since we live in nc, and it doesn't snow/ice much here, we didn't really make an attempt to ever get a snow shovel..so me and samar took a regular shovel and started shoveling the ice...lol it was way ghetto, and loud, and took forever and our neighbors looked at us like we were stupid or something, but it did the job...lol. samar didn't really do much, i basically did it all, and now i have blisters on my hands. it was freezing and i didn't have on any gloves, which didn't really help my situation..oh well.

when we were at my cousins house he showed us some pictures that he had brought with him..and i'm so jealous of him. everything that i wanna do..he does everyday. i wanna go surfing, take kick-boxing, and live so close to the beach that i could go whenever i wanted and just sit there and stare off into the ocean...its not fair that someone else is living my dream...i told my mom that me and samar are gonna go to san diego during spring break or something and visit camille...she didn't seem to mind, and she told me that we had to take my brother with us, b/c we can't just go by ourselves...which isn't a problem, i dont mind taking him. but when i brought it up again she tried to tell me that i wasn't going. bullshit i'm not going. she'll see i will go... camille i'm gonna come visit you, if it's the last thing i do damnit. lol

i was talking to kristin earlier and she told me that tim was talking to nick not too long ago, and nick said he's moving back to nc and he's gonna be working at carowinds again, but not for jayvending...but i guess with his old roommate as a manager maybe for the caricatures people or whatever...i dunno lol...i just think its funny, i wonder if he still talks to noel? oh wait..he never did just "talk" to noel, they were a little more than that...shoes and shoe laces...lol samar -you know what i'm talking about lol...ahh good times, good times.

i talked to jarred last night for the first time in a really long time, he's a nice guy..

i'm going with my mom on friday to buy eid clothes. i'm getting money on sunday, the party's at my aunts house...i need to buy some cd's, i guess i'm gonna end up hitting up manifest.

i'm off.
take care.


( //show some emotion)

as much as i hate you....i love you 2 times more. fuck.   
01:15am 27/01/2004
mood: depressed
so it snowed some more today, fucking great. i had an appointment tomorrow to get my physical for school, yea that now has to be rescheduled because the doctor's office isn't going to open until 10 tomorrow and my appt. was at 9:30 and they said they were booked all tomorrow, so they couldn't fit me in then. whatever i'll leave it for my mom to figure out.

eid is on sunday, i'm way excited b/c i definitely will be getting money then. i need to go shopping on saturday or friday night or something, b/c i need to buy new eid clothes. i'm happy, because i can finally pray at the eid prayers..unlike the past couple of eids, where i couldn't...i dont care what we do that night for the party, just as long as there is a tv that works, so i can watch the superbowl...yea the panther's better win.

i need to stop by the school sometime, so i can buy brad's prom ticket...i know he said that he doesn't want me to pay for it, and that he was going to. but i'm taking him, he's my guest. i dunno, i just think it would be wrong of me to invite him and have him pay for his ticket. oh well, he'll just have to get over it.

i dont care if my mom wants me to or not, but i'm going to save up some money this summer and in december i'm gonna fly to miami and i'm gonna go on a cruise..i told my mom i was gonna go with camille, it would be really fun. and if you would like to join, you're more than welcome to...

it's freezing.

i've been really down lately-not good. i need help..because i can't handle it. i can feel my heart breaking over and over again. damn you for meaning so fucking much to me. i hate this. i hate you.

fuck you for not knowing that when i tell you i'm fine or that i'm doing good, i'm lying and that i'm actually on the verge of breaking down. you should know these things...you used to know these things. maybe it's just that you dont care to know these things..

i dont know whats going on with my life anymore...i really need to get away from here. i need to go somewhere relaxing, somewhere where i could just forget about everything.. forget about all my worries, all my pains, all my stress..just for one day. go on a road trip, to the beach, or even just on a long walk with a friend or something. i'm losing control, i need to get away from here before i break down.

alright i'm off, to cry myself to sleep..
have a good night.


( //show some emotion)

please explain to me why it's snowing now??   
10:14pm 25/01/2004
mood: grumpy
my mom got a new car on friday. she got a 2004 black kia sorento, it's really really pretty, i like it alot. i think i need to buy a scale, so i can keep up with my weight...i need to lose weight and get my body back into shape, i really don't like how i look...it depresses me. the fact that it snowed pisses me off, now my brother's dont have to go to school tomorrow...damnit. i can't handle another day with them, they drive me crazy. please explain to me why it's snowing now? when it was supposed to snow last semester when i could miss school and i didn't have to make up the days...damn i have no luck. and because it snowed i didn't get to go out to eat with my cousin tarek and he's supposed to leave tonight to go back to california...i haven't seen him since he moved to cali. when he was here last time my family was in florida on vacation, so we missed him then, i guess maybe we'll see him next time he comes? unless some bullshit happens and we somehow dont get to...whatever. my cellphone's a piece of shit. i guess that's my fault, i got pissed the other day and threw it as hard as i could against the wall and it kinda cracked...so now it's being a bitch and it wont charge right, and it just cuts off when it feels like it..i'm glad it's almost time for me to get a new one.. i have to go get a physical for school on tuesday...and it's at 9 fucking 30...what the hell?..i can't get up that early, not when i'm used to getting up at 12 or 1 every day...damn. but i think me and my mom are going out to lunch with my aunt or something that day, i hope we go to the olive garden...i'm craving their eggplant parmesan lol..i dont know. well...this weekend definitely sucked, i hope i never have one like this again. i guess this is all i've got for you...for now. i'm out. <3

(2 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

ohh goodness...dave anthem.   
10:32pm 22/01/2004
mood: accomplished
lately i've been spending alot of time with my mom. we've gone shopping, i've watched tv with her, and just sat down and talked to her. it's been really fun, i've enjoyed it alot. today i made dinner (as usual) but only me and my mom ate, and she talked to me about marriage and about the stuff that my dad would do for her when they first got married, and how he used to surprise her with gifts and stuff...it was cute. i really feel bad for her tho, i mean she doesn't have anyone. my dad's..well...in kuwait. samar's never home, sammy's always on the phone, ayman's always playing with his game boy, and i'm...well not there for her? i dunno..all i know is that she's one strong woman...i mean if that was me i'ld be so fucking depressed, and lost. and in these past couple of days, she's made me feel so great. she's given me so many hugs, and she's told me she loves me. this might be normal for you. but for me? well..it's not. its so rare that when she does hug me, or tell me she loves me i start to cry. and the other night she feel asleep on the couch while we were watching tv and i looked over at her and i started crying because i remembered how one night when we were at south park mall looking for a dress for me to wear for my cousins wedding, i was getting frustrated because i didn't like any of the dresses that i tried on, and she told me that i was beautiful, and that no matter what dress i would buy, i'll be the most beautiful girl at that wedding..so of course i started crying lol, because my mom never shows any emotion. but when she does, it really means something. i dunno..

the other night i saw for the first time, the devil's advocate...with keanu reeves, al pacino, and charlize theron. and i really liked that movie. i wanna watch it again.

i'm really really happy for camille, her and shane finally broke up and are just friends now. she's so much happier, she's actually doing stuff with friends now, instead of sitting at home waiting for shane to stop being an ass, and crying herself to sleep every night because of him. i'm SO happy for her! she deserves to be as happy as possible..and i hope she knows that. i can't wait until she comes home for vacation. and hopefully she's gonna be able to make it here the week of the prayer for cleansing reunion show at tremont, so we can go. dave anthem...ahhhhh lol finally. he's so hot! goodness...lol good times, good times.

you know what? i've finally made up my mind. i've decided that i'm sick of this, and that i'm gonna put it all behind me. i'm sick of trying...because trying in this case, is nothing but a waste of energy and valuable time. so please excuse yourself out of my life. that's it..i'm done with you. the end.

i'm finished.


(2 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

i tried so hard to make things perfect with you..and this is all i'm left with.   
03:59pm 21/01/2004
mood: confused
breathing in
the perfect moment..
thinking of you.
the epitome of perfection..
i lay here secretly wishing
the world would just stop turning
if only for a second.

and as my thoughts of you slowly drift away...

i lay here motionless.
and nothing comes out..
so i close my eyes, and cry.


(3 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)

a slight case of insomnia...its all your fault.   
10:40pm 16/01/2004
mood: s.o.f.u.c.k.i.n.b.o.r.e.d
yesterday i was way tired, but i couldn't fall asleep. i just laid there thinking..these last couple of weeks have made me realize how much i dont have any patience. especially if something is happening the next day, b/c that night i wont be able to sleep, and my heart will be racing and shit, and i'll have a million thoughts running through my mind...its sucks b/c i'll end up falling asleep at like 4 or 5...i think i have a mild case of insomnia. b/c i can never sleep, it sucks..maybe i'm just retarted or something. damn this is all brittany's fault, she always thinks somethings wrong with her lol -the west nile virus, -i'm dying..lol good job brittany..i learned from you, now i always think there's something wrong with me.

i just finished watching the simpsons...that's a pretty funny show, its stupid, but it makes me laugh.

i'm supposed to hang out with kristin tomorrow..that should be lots of fun. then i'm going over to chads...that's always fun..

well then.
i just learned some interesting bit of information about Mr. Brandon Hooker..i think i need to give him a call..and see whats going on in his life..hopefully he'll answer.

i finally got my cell phone back today, my mom picked it up from my cousins house.

my brother got me a card today, it's in the shape of a hat...the one from the cat in the hat with the red and white stripes. and it's got a 'hand decorated fruit flavored jelly candy' that's in the shape of the cat from the cat in the hat and on the front it reads "i just wanted to say," and on the inside "i hope you have a great day!" it's really cute, and it's very sweet of him..

i'm gonna call camille later on tonight, i miss her. i hope she's doing ok, last time i talked to her she wasn't feeling her best. but what can i say? boys suck...and they're best at breaking your heart. dont let it get to you. i still love you.

alright i'm off...
behave.. be safe.. take care..

(3 scream 'i love you.' //show some emotion)